This pink template is deceiving. Pink is fun, bubbly, joyous, carefree n sweet. Kinda reminds u of a marshmellow. But I, as has been explicitly implied by my entries time n time again, am not. My life thus far, has been everything but "marshellow-ish". U must wonder, this cannot be true. But i say, yes dat's true.

However the problem is not my self-proclaimed unfortunate life. Rather, it is my inability to select, evaluate and digest all the good things which have been and are laid before me. Right in front of my eyes. The cost of this? Low self-esteem, ever-growing pessimism, self-doubt, judgemental, unforgiving, negative, sad and empty. (This is followed by three long, big sighs to show remorse at the painful truth).

So here I am, listing down all those good things which need to be highlighted in order for me to regain any sense of self-love, if there's any left .... (There u go, my pessism at its best)

1) My family - i miss my mum n dad no matter how in-the-face they can get. My sis n bro r ok too. But my lil bro, he's growing into someone i dont know (not yet, nway) so i fear (for) him.

2) My frens - I hv been surrounded and supported by soo many fun and brilliant individuals. For this i am truly thankful.

3) Looks - Ouch, this is a sore subject for me. Always have been, ever since i had had a lil sister. Since I first had an interaction wif this peculiar species called boys, i was quick to learn that looks are EVERYTHING. Cute gurls were popular, cute gurls got to join Kelab Kebudayaan, cute gurls get all the cute guys, at least their attention. Heck, cute gurls can do and have EVERYTHING!!!!But what i didnt expect was how cruel ppl can be towards 'ugly' ppl. I got called fat, pontianak (why? Cant tell ya...shhh), badak, fat again. Mind you, one of my ex's guy fren 'kindly' promoted a slimming pill to him so dat i can try it out n hopefully loose weight (thanx Kash, ure a real pal). Naturally, these occurances had its toll on my self-confidence. The blood has dried out, but the bruise and pain are still there. I carry it with me till now. It's not easy to get over with, but I should try. So here's a new thought dat I decide to instill in my lil head - Hey, I may not be the best looking gurl there is, but i am also not the worst off. So there!!! =D

4) My room - my sanctuary. I hv JUST moved into a new room, but it's similar to the previous. Yea, ive been complaining of how small and suffocating it is. On the other hand, it's warm, a bit messy...Truth be told, it falls short of everything. But IT IS MINE..(at least for the next 5 months or so). It provides me protection and security. So i am glad for this small space which i own. =D

5) My freedom - When i return to Mesia, this will be the ultimate thing that i will miss. Freedom. I make my own decisions. I get to choose what i wanna do, where i wanna go, whether or not i wanna attend the 9am lecture. There's no binding. There is a much lesser need to consider how your actions will affect others. There is no need for asking permission and explaining yourself when u get back late at night. I simply live by my own rules.

Ive only listed five items. Hopefully there will be more in the future. I realized that i NEED to start liking myself before i crumble like a warm apple crumble served with ice cream(tak habih2 dgn apple crumble...adeyh). I cannot remain to be this self-doubting person, not anyore. I have to stop punishing myself. I must LOVE this person which is me.

Ill let my template as it is. Pink. To represent hope. Hope to be spiritually and emotionally better. =D Insya Allah.